The cycle of abuse: the 4 phases of an abusive relationship

In the 1970s, psychologist Lenore Walker developed a social cycle theory known as the cycle of abuse, which identified a specific pattern that most abusive relationships follow. These four phases are evident in the majority of violent relationships, and they repeat themselves over and over again, no matter how many times the abuser promises to ‘change’ or ‘stop’.

Do you recognise these patterns in your own relationship or the relationship of someone you love? Get in touch with us on 0800 11 77 85 for help with an abusive relationship.

The 4 stages of an abusive relationship

1. The tension-building stage

This is when stress and strain begin to build between a couple just before an abusive act occurs. The abuser’s behaviour may become passive aggressive, and s/he may become poor (or poorer) at communicating. The victim will know that there’s a strong possibility that ‘their behaviour’ could ‘trigger’ an abusive reaction at this stage, and so the victim may try to alter his or her behaviour to try to prevent their partner from becoming violent.

Starting to see these signs? Get help NOW on 011 642 4345 or

2. Incident of abuse stage

This is when the act of violence takes place. The abuser will commit acts of domestic abuse like hitting, kicking, shoving, biting and/or throwing objects at their partner, or other kinds of abuse like sexual, psychological or emotional abuse, stalking, neglecting, intimidating or practicing any other kind of extreme controlling behaviour.

Is this happening to you? Get help NOW on 011 642 4345 or

3. Reconciliation stage

This is also known as the honeymoon phase. The abuser becomes contrite and apologises for their behaviour. They may be overly attentive or affectionate; they may try to ignore what happened, or they may even try to blame the victim for the violence. They often shower their victim with gifts and/or over-the-top kindness, and are likely to appear remorseful, repentant and sad. Some abusers may threaten suicide to stop their victim from leaving. They’re likely to swear the abusive behaviour will never happen again.

4. Calm stage

This phase is considered an extension of the reconciliation phase. During this period, the abuser tries hard to show kindness to the victim and to resist the urge to fall back into abusive behaviours. The relationship seems calm and peaceful, leading the victim to believe that the abuser really has ‘changed’, and that things will be different this time. Sadly, though, new conflicts inevitably arise, and the abusive pattern starts again at the tension-building stage.

How to break the cycle of abuse

An abuser will never change their behaviour, but you can choose to change your response to it. Break the cycle, starting today. If you or someone you love is trapped in an abusive relationship, help is available.

Get in touch with POWA (People Opposed to Woman Abuse) on 011 642 4345 or, or the Stop Gender Violence Helpline, run by LifeLife South Africa, on 0800 150 150.

Source: Marie Stopes South Africa (Safe Abortion and Post Abortion Family Planning)

If you are still unsure about abortion,  abortion side effects  and the options you have in this regard
please contact us on
and we will help guide and support you.

CONFIDENTIALITY. We guarantee your rights to confidentiality during your pregnancy.
All personal information submitted remains private and confidential.

Ask a question 

Your email address will remain confidential. Required fields are marked.

    [anr_nocaptcha g-recaptcha-response]

    By |2020-07-13T15:12:16+02:00November 27th, 2019|Sex|Comments Off on The cycle of abuse: the 4 phases of an abusive relationship